[8/21/2002 9:10:30 AM | Andy Kovacs]
"PEDESTRIAN, n: Someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank."
- Unknown


[8/21/2002 10:02:22 AM | Andy Kovacs]
So a bear killed a 5 month old girl in the Catskills over the weekend. A truly tragic occurrence, one that I would not wish upon my worst enemy even if I had one. New Jersey's answer to this sad event is to try again to hold a statewide bear hunt. Actually, the bear hunt is still in its formative stages. The plan has been hatched by the commission on fish and game, and the bear hunt wouldn't happen until next year, but it is nonetheless still being planned.

The question is: Is a bear hunt a solution?

The ansewer is: No.

While it is true that the population of bears would be reduced, it wouldn't stop the incidences of bears entering our yards and rooting through our trash. There was a time when shouting at a bear would scare it off of your lawn. The bears have since gotten used to the shouting and are no longer afraid and continue to forage for food. Killing the bears will not stop this because any bears left are still not going to be afraid of us and they will continue to invade our properties.

So what can be done about this? There are three possible solutions to this 'epidemic':

1) Capture the bears and relocate them to a more forested area. This would be a temporary fix, because real estate developers would soon be knocking down the forests of where we had relocated the bears.

2) Get used to having the bears around. Let's face it, folks, the bears have been around the area much longer than we have. It isn't the bears who are impeding on our property, it is you and me who is impeding on their territory. As we develop more and more woodland, the wildlife will get pushed out into the open more and more often. The result is an "increase" in the deer population, the bear population, the skunk population, and so on.

If we understood the bears, we would be better suited to handle them when they come around (i.e. - leave the area immediately and go inside your house). The problem with the case of the 5 month old girl was that the mother, in her panicked state, grabbed the two older children and led them inside while she left the 5 month old, who couldn't walk, outside. Conventional logic dictates that you let the ones who can walk go inside by themselves and grab the one who can't walk. So what do they do? They kill the bear. In my mind, they should have killed the mother for being stupid.

Anyway, the final way we can deal with this problem is:

3) Stage the First Annual New Jersey Yuppie Hunt! This idea was actually one of my friends' named Rob. I really like this idea. The reasoning behind the Yuppie Hunt is that the Yuppies are the ones forcing the issue of land developement. Logically, therefore, if we eliminate all the Yuppies, there will no longer be a need for huge new homes with equally huge lots. The forests will be safe for the animals!

And just think of the fun we'd all have picking off Yuppies at 50 yards! Shooting them as they scramble for the "safety" of their Mercedes-Benz or their Lexus (you'd get extra points if you pick one off while he's talking on his cell phone, and double points if he's talking on his cell phone and reading his pager). Yep, that would be so much fun!

Well, folks, remember to be safe if you see a bear. Try to remember not to abandon anyone who is immobile when a bear is around, and, till next time,

-andy

p.s. - i'm buying a rifle this weekend.
:o)