[7/21/2002 10:30:08 PM | Andy Kovacs]
Hi there folks - I was going to write a movie review tonight about the Road to Perdition. Instead, I think I'll rant here for a bit.

As many of you know, I love the movies. Always have. Always will. It's basic escapism. It gives me a chance to forget my life and totally immerse myself in someone else's. I don't have to think about much, aside from the occasional plot twist. The movies also have much better special effects than real life.

I go to movies to escape the stupid people around me; instead of being affected by them I get the chance to look at them from afar. I am not with them, therefore I am not affected nearly the same way. If someone is being a jerk, sure I may get irritated at the character, but I don't necessarily want to punch the dolt in the head.

And that is exactly how I felt during The Road to Perdition. I got the feeling that the movie was something extraordinary. I got the feeling that this could possibly be the greatest gangster movie since Miller's Crossing. I got the feeling that this movie could rank up there with the Godfather parts 1 and 2.

But I'll never know. You see, there was this butch-looking woman and her ever-so-stupid husband sitting next to me. She was explaining everything to him and, every single time there was a tenseness in the movie, the constantly-hacking husband, the super sleuth detective would say, in his low, thunderous voice, "The photographer's going to come out." Well guess what, Holmes, the photographer didn't come out so shut the [expletive] up and give up smoking while you're at it cuz if I don't kill you the tar will!

Sure, that was bad, but that wasn't the worst of it: behind me and to the right there was an older couple who also felt the need to gibber jabber about everything. And they wouldn't just talk about the movie, either. For instance, I know that their son just graduated college. Well bully for him, I hope he gets a good job and can afford to send you both to a nursing home very soon. Now shut up and let me watch the movie.

And then there were the two old ladies directly behind me who would critique the movie as it went along. Folks, this is not Mad Movies, Mystery Science Theater 3000, or anything like that. You are not the director, this is not the DVD release, so your running commentary IS NOT NEEDED. In fact, if you're the kind of person who needs the entire movie explained to them, then by all means, wait until the movie is released on DVD and watch it then with the subtitles on or listen to the damn commentary, just stay out of the theaters!

It got to the point where I looked over at the butch woman next to me, shook my head and said, "Jesus Christ, shut up!" After that, everytime the husband would talk she would say, "Shh, shhh," and wave her hand at him.

Of course, people talking during a movie is nothing new to me. When my old roommate, Dennis, and I went to see Saving Private Ryan, there was a family of Latinos filling up the row behind me and, get this: they were translating the entire movie from English to Spanish.

I like to think of myself as respectful to other people. I keep quiet during movies. I turn my cell phone off. I don't even cough during a movie. But the next time I go to a movie, I swear that I am bringing a squeeze bottle full of honey and a jar of red ants.

I'll write about Road to Perdition after I see it again. Till then,

-andy